


Used To Be Afraid

by heatherelf



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29128323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heatherelf/pseuds/heatherelf
Summary: Hailey and Jay could be ready to take the next step in their relationship, but will fear hold them back?Future fic set somewhere around mid-season 8. Established Upstead domestic fluff inspired by the song Yours, by Ella Henderson.
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 21
Kudos: 112





	Used To Be Afraid

**Author's Note:**

> While listening to my playlist today, the song my husband and I danced to at our wedding came on. As I listened to the lyrics, the idea for this, my first Upstead fanfic began to coalesce in my mind. I hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Again, the song is Yours, by Ella Henderson, though we danced to the Calum Scott cover. Both versions are great. I encourage you to have a listen if for no other reason than to see just how much of the song I built into this fic. :)

Consciousness creeps up on Hailey slowly on a lazy Saturday morning. She can tell by the soft light filtering in through her curtains that greets her as she opens her eyes that it’s a little earlier than she maybe would’ve preferred to have started her day. _Especially,_ she thinks, feeling the warmth of her lover’s palm where his hand is curved possessively under her breast, _considering the late night we just had._

A contented smile takes over her features at the memory of Jay’s fingers, lips, and tongue caressing her skin the night before, and how every kiss, every embrace, every softly uttered word of adoration had made her feel at once both wholly at peace and completely alive. _Cherished._

 _Wow, when did I become such a sap?_ she wonders. As her sleep-heavy eyes begin to focus once again on the present, she turns her head slightly to the left and drinks in the sight of the man softly snoring next to her with his head propped up under his elbow and his pillow wedged in between. Not wanting to wake him, she resists the urge to trace the freckles on his cheeks with her fingertips, but as her heart swells with overwhelming affection, the softest whisper falls from her lips – “Beautiful.”

Hailey’s eyes slide shut, and she breathes in deep as she recalls the exact moment when reality had hit her like a ton of bricks – the bittersweet revelation, while Jay had been fighting to survive, that she didn’t just _love_ her partner – she was _in_ love with her partner. She had never felt so terrified or more sure of anything in her life than she’d been in that moment.

Without meaning to, her hand sneaks out to hover over the scar caused by the bullet that changed everything…or maybe nothing at all, really, because with the clarity that only seems to come at six in the morning, she’s suddenly able to admit to herself that she’d actually given her heart over to this man long before that fateful day.

And still, for so long afterward, she had let fear and insecurity control her actions and stop her from risking everything they already had in order to take that next step. After all, she knows that if she had offered up her heart only to have it crushed once again, she’d probably never fully recover. So, she had kept on telling herself that being his partner _on the job_ was enough. That it had to be enough. And each time even that much had been threatened, she’d still stubbornly clung to the lie instead of facing her fears.

She huffs out a breath as her mind then races ahead to the night she finally couldn’t take it any longer – the night when it became wholly apparent that they couldn’t keep fighting the inevitable. There would never, _could_ never be anyone else for her but this man who would’ve selflessly sacrificed his own happiness and watched her leave if that had been what she’d truly desired.

She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t briefly considered accepting the generous offer for what had once been her dream job, but one look at the devastation in Jay’s eyes when she’d told him the position was based in New York had been enough to erase any shred of doubt she’d had about staying right where she was. She belongs with Jay Halstead, it’s as simple as that.

Hailey grimaces as she recalls the way she’d awkwardly confessed her feelings. But hey, it did the trick, as here they are, four months later, spending nearly every moment by each other’s side. Sure, they’d had a few hiccups. There’d been times when one of them would frustrate the other to the point where they’d end up going home to stomp and mope around and restlessly sleep alone, but their arguments never lasted for more than a day, and the make-up sex would almost make up for the brief loss of one another’s company.

Then again, she has to admit, every intimate moment with Jay is incredible. Her smile turns smug as she contemplates how their uncanny ability to communicate is _definitely_ not limited to the field.

She’s content to lay there for several long moments, taking full advantage of the opportunity to witness this man, whose mind is always racing a mile a minute, in a state of utter relaxation – his lips softly parted, and his eyelashes fluttering occasionally as he dreams.

Gently, Hailey begins to inch away before the desire to capture his bottom lip between hers becomes too overwhelming to ignore. Kissing Jay is an addiction that has consumed her like wildfire ever since that first moment her lips had pressed against his, but she would not give in to it now. This last case they’d closed the night before had been rough. Jay had worked himself to the bone and needs his rest, and Hailey is determined he should have it.

Ah, but the best laid plans….

The instant Jay’s hand falls away from her torso, he groans quietly and one eye creeps open to peer up at her.

Hailey sighs. “Sleep, baby,” she whispers. “I’m not going anywhere.” Unable to resist touching him any longer, she runs her fingers through the short hair at his temple.

Jay hums in appreciation, and one corner of his mouth turns up in a brief, sleepy grin. “Love you,” he manages to get out before letting sleep overtake him once more.

Hailey’s heart feels like it’s going to burst. “I love you too,” she replies softly as she stands to gaze down at him. _Wow, that’ll never get old_. Just a couple months before, Jay had surprised her by breathing those three little words into her ear late one night while she’d been spooned up against his chest and had already started drifting off to sleep.

Taking a deep breath, she turns to start her morning routine, needing the distraction in order to stop herself from crawling back into bed to repeat the actions that had followed his declaration that night.

Once her teeth are squeaky clean and her face is freshly scrubbed, she pulls on a clean t-shirt, a soft pair of lounge pants, and a pair of fuzzy socks and makes her way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, running a hand through her messy blonde locks as she pads along.

She reaches into the fridge to grab the cream as the coffee carafe fills with the fragrant brew. Breathing in the aroma, she turns to look out the window and is greeted with a gorgeous light blue sky.

Stepping up on her tiptoes to grab a travel mug down from the cupboard causes an impromptu full-body stretch and a massive yawn. Boy, does she need that coffee.

Once she’s doctored her mug, she steps over to the sliding glass door and pulls it open, breathing in a big gulp of fresh morning air. A really big gulp, as it turns out. Her eyes widen as the brisk spring wind hits her, and she takes an involuntary step back. Undeterred, however, she sets her coffee down on a side table and turns, immediately spotting Jay’s jacket draped haphazardly across the couch. She smiles. _Perfect._

She picks up the worn-in quilted bomber jacket and slings it over her shoulders, threading her arms through the sleeves and pushing up the cuffs a little so she can continue to make use of her hands. Grabbing her coffee, she resolutely eases out onto the balcony and slides the door closed. Turning to lean against the rail, she’s pleased to discover that now that she’s out in the sun, the wind doesn’t feel quite so chilly. Still, she burrows into the warmth of Jay’s jacket and grins like a lovesick idiot as his scent engulfs her – his earthy cologne, his laundry detergent, and the smell that is uniquely Jay.

As she stands there basking in the sun, sipping her coffee and thoroughly enjoying herself, she hears the door slide open, and before she can turn around, strong arms wrap around her middle. Jay leans into her back, pressing her up slightly against the railing, but not uncomfortably so.

She feels him kiss the top of her head, and then his hand comes up to brush her hair aside so that he can bury his face into her neck.

“I thought I told you to sleep,” she admonishes, even as the hand not holding her coffee reaches up to wrap around his forearm.

“Mmmmm,” he mumbles. “Uh-uh. Couldn’t without you.”

“You disobeyed a direct order.” Hailey grins slyly.

“You can punish me later,” Jay replies and nudges her neck to the side with his nose before pressing a few soft kisses into her skin.

“Hmmmm. No remote control privileges?”

She feels Jay’s lips curve against her neck. “I think you can come up with something better than that.”

Hailey giggles out a “Maybe,” as Jay tightens his arms around her and presses the side of his face against hers.

They stand there for a while, just enjoying the moment and soaking up each other’s presence. Hailey offers up her mug, and Jay gratefully accepts, taking a few long sips before passing it back to her.

“You make a really good windshield,” Jay says as he snuggles down into her again.

“Aww, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she teases.

“Really?” Jay jokes. “I’m pretty sure I’ve said nicer things than that.”

“Uh, I don’t know.” Hailey pretends to think, enjoying the game. “No, I’m pretty sure that was the nicest.”

Jay stands in silence for a long moment. “Hailey.” His voice deepens as it loses its teasing edge. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Hailey freezes as her breath catches in her throat. She feels herself begin to tremble a little and slowly turns in his arms to face him. When she catches sight of the impossibly tender look in his eyes, she feels her own eyes begin to burn with impending moisture. She bites her lower lip to try to hide the tremble in her chin before letting out a watery chuckle. “How are you always able to turn me into a girly mess like this?” she huffs.

Jay just smiles and continues to gaze down at her with an expression that is gradually turning her insides to mush. “You’re not a mess. You’re beautiful.”

“Wow, now who’s being a sap?” she wonders out loud, attempting to deflect as her anxiety begins to make its presence known.

Jay’s hands come up to frame her face, and she closes her eyes as he brushes his lips across hers. “Hailey...I know I don’t always say much when it comes to my…feelings…” he trails off, starting to sound a bit unsure of himself, as well.

“Jay, no, it was just a joke, really,” she tries, weakly.

“I know, I know. But I also know I don’t tell you enough what I’m thinking.” Jay pauses to take what sounds like a deep, fortifying breath. “I want you to know, Hailey, you _have_ to know how happy I am every time I get to wake up next to you. I think we both know what a good thing we’ve got goin’ here, and I don’t want to screw this up just because I can’t figure out how to express myself to you.”

Hailey’s rendered speechless. Normally she rambles inanely or uses humor to defuse a heavy situation, but at the moment all she can do is stare at him. His fingers have moved to caress the back of her neck, and his thumbs are softly sliding across her jaw, and it’s really kicking up the butterflies in her stomach that she still sometimes gets whenever it hits her that he’s _hers_ now. In every sense. As she continues to gaze up into his clear, green eyes, however, he starts to look so damn confident that suddenly she is, too.

“Move in with me,” she blurts out suddenly. Her eyes widen as it hits her what she’s just said, but Jay looks so taken aback that she has to laugh.

“Uh, what?” he gets out.

“Yeah. Move in with me, Jay.” She’s wasted so much time being afraid that it surprises her a little just how ready she is for this now that she’s blurted it out. So, she smiles shyly and presses on, not wanting to lose momentum now that she’s got it. “Waking up to you makes me happy, too, and I mean we’re always at each other’s places anyway, so it doesn’t really make sense to—.”

She’s abruptly cut off as Jay’s lips crash into hers in a searing kiss that lifts her off her toes. As she comes back down to Earth, she stammers out, “Wha…uh, um…so, is that a yes?”

Jay laughs. “Yeah, Hailey Anne. Yes, I’ll move in with you.”

“Cool,” she deadpans before dissolving into giggles. Jay tilts his head to the side and grins wryly, and she knows he knows what she’s doing. And no, she’s never letting him live that one down.

“Cool,” he replies without shame, shaking his head at her antics.

Hailey smiles up at him innocently and bites her lip as she makes her way around him and back inside. She moves through the room to set the coffee mug she’d nearly forgotten about down onto the kitchen counter. Once she hears Jay shut and latch the door behind him, she turns around and lifts an eyebrow. “Now, about that punishment…”

She has only a moment to register the caveman look in his eyes before he’s rushing at her and tossing her over his shoulder. She shrieks and cackles loudly as she’s carried back into her – no, _their_ bedroom to enjoy the rest of her morning with the crazy man she loves.

**Author's Note:**

> There you have it! Please consider leaving a comment below to let me know what you thought of my first Upstead piece. I cherish every word.
> 
> Speaking of words, here’s the lyrics to the song that inspired the fic:
> 
> “I wear your winter coat  
> The one you love to wear  
> So I keep feeling close  
> To what’s beyond compare  
> The moments waking up  
> You catch me in your eyes  
> That beauty on my pillow  
> That holds me in the night  
> And I will find my strength to untape my mouth  
> When I used to be afraid of the words  
> But with you I've learned just to let it out  
> Now my heart is ready to burst  
> 'Cause I, I feel like I'm ready for love  
> And I, I wanna be your everything and more  
> And I know every day I say it,  
> But I just want you to be sure  
> That I am yours.  
> If I've been feeling heavy  
> You take me from the dark  
> Your arms they keep me steady  
> So nothing could fall apart  
> And I will find my strength to untape my mouth  
> When I used to be afraid of the words  
> But with you I've learned just to let it out  
> Now my heart is ready to burst  
> 'Cause I, I feel like I'm ready for love  
> And I, I wanna be your everything and more  
> And I know every day I say it,  
> But I just want you to be sure  
> That I am yours  
> I am yours.”


End file.
